I usually don’t write blogs or write anything about myself, but I thought today is a new day. Why not try something new?
As my about me says, I didn’t receive a very good education so bare with me on the grammar and spelling lol. I know its annoying and all, but I am trying my best. :D
So here I go…..
As some people have noticed, I have been doing the 30 days of submissive challenge. I thought I should give it a try and see if I could better understand myself (and my submission) through answering question that would make me think :)
I have to say I really do enjoy the challenge, its keeping me on my toes and that’s always a good thing. I like it when I have to use my brain and really try hard to think. Sure they are not philosophical questions like the dichotomy of good and evil ( ten points if you get that movie reference :D), but I think its just a fun way to get to know yourself. :D That being said, here I go with random ramblings lol.
A NEW BEGINNING AND AN AWKWARD SITUATION……
Allot of people when they hear the words, BDSM their face automatically goes like this 0_o and often you hear them say, “You mean that kinky whips and chains stuff?” While I can understand their reaction since the whole internet is plastered with porn on this very subject, and most of the porn is quite intense and well… scary at times. I think people have a very negative point of view, and in all actuality, I don’t blame them. I was once there myself. My introduction to the world of BDSM started on a whim, when a friend of mine decided I should watch my first porn. I was 19 at the time and had never even seen a soft core porn, and I had always skipped though the sex scenes in movies. Needless to say, I wasn’t comfortable with sex. I have my reasons for this i just don’t think I should share them. Anyways, we sat down in front of her computer and she asked me if I was ready. Ready? ready for what? for my mind to be blown? because thats exactly what happened. She pressed play and the next thing I know, is a girl is being thrown on a couch, forced fed a cock, and then used like there was no tomorrow. My initial reaction was to close my eyes and look away, which I did for a few seconds, but I found her noises and his to be extremely,”eye opening!” So I watched a little more then decided I didn’t want to see the rest. She turned it off and I looked at her and asked, wtf was that!?!?!? is that what all sex is like? She laughed at me and explained that it was a bdsm porn. I asked her what bdsm was, and she explained it to me to the best of her ability.
I went home that night and I couldn’t get the images of the man taking total control over the woman. I felt sickly and uneasy, but I still couldn’t stop thinking about it. Try as I might to go to sleep that night, I couldn’t. So I picked up my laptop, turned it on, went to google, and typed in the words, “BDSM” Nothing came up.
I then realized my safe search was on (something that I always kept on no matter what) and for the first time, I turned it off. Many pages of search results came up and I clicked on the wikipedia. I read through the whole thing, but stopped short at the part where they talked about TPE (total power exchange). I wanted to understand more about that, so I read further. I realized my life isn’t so different from the total power exchange aspect. I went to thinking about my life and realized omg! I’m submissive! All my friends are,”dominant” my family is,”dominant.” Why didn’t I realize this before??!!?!?! It was my turn for the 0_o face lol. I started researching even more and dived deeper and deeper into the abyss so to speak.
I finally worked up the courage to message someone on a blog site and ask them questions about the lifestyle. She was a submissive who answered all my questions (Mind you this was the myspace days lol shows how old I am haha). She also told me to go onto a site that would further explain, and would help me to discover more about myself.
I made an account and was blown away at how many people were like me. People that were new and as clueless as I was! I started making friends on the site and I found a whole new world of acceptance. I didn’t have very supportive friends at the time, so I found great solace in the online community.
Sadly, my adventures in the lifestyle didn’t last long, my mother found out 0_o so in turn my father did as well. They didn’t understand why I was so interested and they became very worried. Their view of being controlled was being abused. Which in most cases is what people think. I tried explaining to them my side of things, but they weren’t having it. They told me to talk to my counselor about it. I did, and of course I was labeled “incapable of making good choices.” I was an adult! I was over 18, but I guess that doesn’t matter. I found out that it didn’t matter when I got a visit from,”Adult protective services.” God that was embarrassing, who even knew that existed? The man asked me questions and tried to see if I was all mentally “there”. I had been talking to a dominant man at the time, and they knew his screen name and everything! I was mortified. I explained to him it was just something I was into, and that I wasn’t mentally unstable at all. Finally he left and I was in tears because I was embarrassed. Luckily, I later was found to be able to make my own choices THANK GOD! My parents realized I wasn’t a mental case and they started to even understand a bit. I was so embarrassed though, that i didn’t speak or go on that site for a while. That whole situation made me not want to ever tell anyone or do anything about the lifestyle again. I couldn’t stay away though ;)
I went back onto the sites and I found even more people who understood.
After researching, researching, and researching. Asking questions, asking questions, and asking questions lol. I realized it was time for me to have a Dom.
I posted an ad in the forum of the site, and I got some responses. Allot of them were older overpowering men who told me I must submit to them right away. After seeking advice from female submissive, I decided that I would really try hard to find someone I had a good connection with.
A HAPPY ENDING……
The Master I have now and I started off as just two people with like minded interests. He is a very busy guy, so we would talk on and off. He would check in on me every once in a while to see how I was doing, I didn’t even think he was interested in me at all. I had found a man that I started to submit to, I didn’t feel a strong connection with him, but I decided to give it a try.
My Master I have now messaged me and we began to talk again, he said something really sweet and I melted. We began to talk more and more, and I felt this feeling in my stomach, not a bad feeling but a feeling of Gahhh I wish this man wanted me! I found that I truly started wanting him allot. One day, we were talking about what we wanted in a Master/Slave, he said something similar to my personality and I said playfully (but seriously)” Oh you mean someone like me?” He then replied “yes, someone like you.” I then playfully said,”Oh so you want me as your slave ;)” To which he replied, “Yes.” My stomach did a flip flop my face did that familiar 0_o look. HE WANTED ME?!?!?! What the heck? this was news to me!
Was I really that out of it, or just stupid? lol. I couldn’t type for a few seconds and all I could muster up was the lame response of, “Really?” He then said,”Yes, I thought that was obvious.” My jaw dropped to the floor, is something good really happening to me? After a long time of embarrassing moments, horrible trauma, was I actually getting something I wanted? Yes I was, and I was ecstatic. I then asked him, when had he wanted to be my Master, was this new to him? He replied with,”I wanted you from the beginning, but I thought you weren’t ready because you had some things you needed to work through.” Awwwwwww :D I was so happy that someone showed that they cared enough for me to work through things and become a stronger person without help. I mean he would give me advice and encourage me to see my counselor, but I think when we work through things ourselves it does give us a sense of independence, but I digress…. I guess the point I’m trying to make is, I have an awesome Master :D, and I appreciate him.
I’m not really sure what the point of all this is, or the reason I wrote a short essay about my history in the lifestyle, but I felt the need. I don’t know if anyone will read it, or anyone will care, but I wanted to write a public journal entry so to speak. I want to encourage people who are new and help close minded people to maybe see a bigger pictures. BDSM isn’t just whips and chains, its a strong bond between two people (In my case its two), and an ultimate form of trust. They’re are different ways that each person in the lifestyle expresses themselves, whether that be the whips and chains, or like myself TPE (total power exchange). I think that if we get past the kinky sex part for a moment, we can see that people in the lifestyle are just that, people. Everyone is different and that’s ok! haha Lets calm down and realize that each of us has our own opinion on things :D.
If you read this, thanks for sticking with me and my bad grammar :D.
5) Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
Yes Indeed :) I am in a D/s relationship :), but it is all new to me.
Sure I have had a couple people I have had controlling me online, but it never went beyond that. With my new M/s relationship its allot more intense in the fact that I know this is the man I want to serve. Everything about him makes me feel cared for. I am a bit of an airhead and he accepts me for who I am :).
I wouldn’t consider myself being in more than one D/s relationship because I never felt a connection with them. That and I have never called anyone,”Master” before.
As far as the unique part of my Master and mine relationship is the fact that he is so caring towards me. I know allot of people have Doms or Masters that care for them, but my Master really works hard to take care of me( even if he is far away). I feel like he takes allot of time to make sure I’m doing alright mentally and physically. :)
4) Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?
As far as switching into a dominant role, no. I have tried to see if I have a dominant side and it just isn’t for me. A good friend of mine is a switch and he had asked me to be dominant with him (this was before I met my Master) and I just couldn’t get into it. I felt like it wasn’t myself.
I don’t really maintain control over allot of things, but since my Master is far away I do have some freedoms.
Not a switch by any means, like I said, after trying, I just didn’t feel like myself.
I haven’t given much thought as to why its not for me, I just feel like it isn’t. I’m going with my gut on this one lol :)